I Promise it’s not a book review.

I Promise it’s not a book review.

I do, I promise it is not a book review, However, this book does need to be talked about for many reasons.

The book you wish your parents had read (and your children will be glad that you did)- by Phillipa Perry.

It’s very thought provoking and really does what it says on the tin. It doesn’t use fancy words but it gives real life examples which allow you to put things into context.

Still not a book review…

As a newish woman to motherhood (nearly 2 years in!) it massively allowed me to understand my child’s frustrations and new found tantrums. So why am I writing about it? I reallybelieve this book relates to myself and manyof my clients. I therefore think it is useful to talk about it, and talk about it I shall.

Rupture & Repair

One of the key themes throughout the book is ‘rupture and repair’. This concept is paramount in every aspect of our lives regardless of whether we have children or not. This basically means we learn about where we have caused ruptures (disagreements, certain ways in which we have dealt with situations with others and ourselves) and how to repair them. Although this book concentrates on the parent-child relationship, it can also be translated into other aspects of our lives. Particularly with ourselves.

We can often react to a situation without really identifying why we’ve responded that way. This may be with angry outbursts, hurtful comments, being easily irritated Talking to ourselves in a negative manner and internalising situations. Instead of looking at these incidents (possibly due to being scared about what this may reveal), we move on without change. This repetitive moving forward (or as I liken it, running forward without stopping, running and running as if we are in a continuous sprint without a break can contribute to us experiencing anxiety, depression or work related stress.

This book emphasises the importance of recognition, NOT blame, NOT guilt and NOT shame. I genuinely want you to recognise the difference between these. Because there is A LOT of difference. By recognising, accepting and changing thought patterns and behaviours this is where we repair. We repair ourselves, friendships, relationships and any other ruptures which may have occurred. It also allows us to act differently moving forward, minimising future ruptures, and in turn developing healthy thought patterns and behaviours.


Our feelings need to be validated. It is ok to feel what we feel, regardless of whether it’s positive or negative (yes I know this can be uncomfortable). We do not have to rely on others to provide that validation, although it can help. We can validate our own feelings. Feelings are interlinkedwith everything we do, how we manage our feelings has a bearing on everything (mood, stress, conversations, interactions, behaviours, attending or not attending events, the list really does go on).

If we don’t allow negative feelings (predominantly due to fear or it being un-comfortable) we contribute to a vicious maintenance cycle and further reinforce the thought that these feelings are dangerous, scary and something to be feared. Our brain is clever, but it is not clever enough to only allow negative feelings to go into the box. Our positive feelings also start slipping through the net into the exact same box. We become more emotionless, less able to feel. This can then lead to a lack of enjoyment in activities, unwillingness to engage, poor motivation and possibly anxiety about those events you just aren’t able to avoid.

Feelings need to be dealt with. It is paramount to accept every mood and not treat them as if they are monsters under the bed. If you feel you need support with any of the things I have talked about do not hesitate to contact me. Therapy is about helping, not rescuing, I can help.

There are many other areas addressed by this book and I have only discussed a couple. Although this is not a book review, I do recommend giving it a read.

Stay Safe,


KA-Therapy x

Contact Me